I am nothing
by firelady101
Summary: I wanted to be dead. I wanted to get away from this pain and suffering. I needed to. I wanted to be someone I'm not. I  wanted to be happy, and skinny, and perfect all around. Just Sonny. M for self harm. I don't own SWAC. R&R please. 2 or 3 shot!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I've been feeling pretty upset for the past couple of days… I can't sleep, so I decided I would write, maybe make myself feel a little better... Sorry it's short. Review(:**

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><p>"Hey Sonny!" My friend's walked into my dressing room.<p>

"Hey." I smiled up at them.

"We're all going to Nico's house to swim. You want to come with us?" Grady asked me.

I shook my head. "No, I'm good."

"Please Sonny!" Zora begged.

"I'm sorry; I'm just not in the mood." I shrugged.

"You are never in the mood." Tawni huffed, folding her arms across her chest.

"Yeah!" Nico and Grady said in sync.

"I'm sorry… another time." I smiled at them, waving them out of the room. They all left, but Tawni.

"Aren't you going?"

"You can't kick me out of my own dressing room." She stated.

"Sure I can. Go hang out with them."

"I want you to come too! It's so boring with just them." She walked closer to me.

"I don't want to Tawn."

"Fine." She turned around fast causing her hair to hit me in the face. "By Sonny."

"By Tawni" My smile faded as soon as she walked out the door. I wasn't happy. They all thought I was, they thought I was fine-thought I was being normal Sonny, happy Sonny. But I wasn't. I just covered it up well. They don't see the scars on my legs or wrists-I cover them up. They can't tell I have lost weight. They just don't pay attention to me anymore… No one does! Not my mom, Grady, Zora, Nico or Chad, not even my best friend Tawni! They just mostly care about them self's.

I didn't want to go to Nico's because I hate the way I look in my bathing suit. I've lost weight. I_ know_ that. I just don't _feel_ like I have.I don't eat regularly. Only have a one small thing a day. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. No guy wants a fat girl. They like skinny girls. Like Tawni. She's perfect in every way… her hair, her eyes, her cloths, and her body! I want a body like that! Every guy wants her, even girls want her!_ I_ even want her! But there is no way she would ever want me too… She only thinks of me as her friend. From the moment I met her all I wanted was her attention.

I walked over to my changing area, looking into the mirror. I am ugly. My face, it's ugly. My nose is too big and my eyes are too far apart! And my hair looked like a rats nest resting on my head. Ugh.

I took off the dress I was wearing to scan my body over; dark red lines were slashed across my wrists and thighs. Places where no one could see them. No one has ever seen them, besides Chad when I went over a couple weeks ago-just as friends. Yet another thing I didn't want. He was also one of my best friends; kind of anyways.

**Flashback**

_"Sonny?" Chad asked me, I pulled my eyes away from Facebook on his computer, to the left to see him sitting up on his bed._

_"Hmm?" I smiled at him._

_"Come here." He said grabbing the chair pulling I was sitting in towered him. My heart started skipping; I was so close to him. "W-what?" I blinked._

_He grabbed my left arm, pulling the sleeve of my shirt down to my elbow. "Sonny…" I pulled my arm away fast, backing up from him. "D-don't say anything!"_

_"Why did you do this to yourself?" He stood up. Anger written all over his face "Tell me!" He ordered after I didn't respond._

_"I-I D-d-don't know." Tears started forming in my eyes. I stood up fast and grabbed my things, running out his door. How could I be so stupid!_

**End**

That was the last time I talked to Chad, I have been avoiding him ever sense then. He hasn't told anybody though, which I'm grateful for, but at the same time, I feel unloved and like he doesn't care, but what can I do? I' just a girl. A girl who has nothing.

I wanted to be dead. I wanted to get away from this pain and suffering. I needed to. I wanted to be someone I'm not. I wanted to be happy, and skinny, and perfect all around. I want to be the girl that every guy wants. That makes straight girls have fantasies about. I wanted to be perfect. Like Tawni… She is so beautiful, and she knows it. She knows that she us jaw drooping gorgeous... She made my knees shake when she walks by. I thought I was straight, until I met her.

I started crying. Why can't this pain just leave my body? Please, someone help me._ I am nothing_.

**A/N: First off, cutting is a serious issue, and starving your self is too. If you are suffering from these things, you should look for help. And I know it's hard to ask for help, but I did it and I am so much happier. You can also PM me if you want to talk, I will listen.**

**Okay, it got kind of lame at the end :P but I think this will only be a two or three shot(: I hope you guys like it? I did actually. I have a couple stories saved on my lap top similar to this one. And no this is not a Tonny or a Channy fiction. It's just about Sonny and struggles she is facing being attracted to both of them.**

**I will update as soon as I can. I already know how I want it to end. Any guesses? Review please. I've had some really shitty couple of days. You always make me so happy :D And once again, I am so super sorry for not updating my other stories. I am done with the new chapter for mostly all of them but Bad Romance. I don't know what to write about anymore with it :/**

**And if you have read any of my other stories in the past you know that I am a night owl and stay awake for like ever(: As I type this it's 5:00AM in Cali. And I'm stupid and can't find the fucking spell check on Word. So I'm sorry if anything is spelled wrong.**

**PM me if you want!(:**

_**Love, love.**_

_**Firelady101**_

**Oh, before I forget, can you guys check out the poll on my profile. Okay? Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**4 months later**

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><p>I walked down the halls of Condor studios with Tawni, walking to our dressing room. She was talking about how she got a date. I just smiled, nodded and said 'okay' the whole time. I didn't really want to listen to her talk about yet another one of her boyfriends.<p>

"So…?" She asked holding the door open for me to walk in our room. I've been here for almost 3 years and nothing has changed; not the chairs, the carpet, Tawni's pink things, her pictures, not even Tawni has changed! Nothing in this room has, but _me._

"So what?" I sat on the leopard seat, looking up at my best friend.

"Aren't you going to ask me who he is?"

"Hmm… no, tell me." I smiled at her.

"Chad!" She giggled, and did a little dance.

"W-what?" I was shocked… Why Chad! I told her I liked him! I told him I liked her! Why are they doing this to me!

"Mhm!" She spun in a circle. "Wonna help me get ready? It's at 6! It's already 4:30!"

I stood up, shaking my head, "I have to go home." I needed to get away from her.

"Okay! I'll come with! He can pick me up from your apartment!"

"No." I held the tears in, just a couple more minutes… I can do it.

"Come on Son—"

"No!" I cut her off, "Good bye Tawni!" I walked out the door, hitting someone in the shoulder, "Ow"

"Sorry Sonny." He winked at me.

"Shut the fuck up Chad." I glared at him. I didn't have enough time for this.

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><p>10 minutes later I was home. As soon as I walked through the door, I fell to my knees; I couldn't keep in the tears. Why would they do this to me! I remember telling Tawni how much I liked him! She said she would stay back just so I could give it a go, she forgot! She forgot that she wasn't the only person in the world! Fuck them… Fuck Chad! Fuck Tawni! They are perfect for each other! They love themselves more than me! Or anyone!<p>

I stood up walking into my bedroom. I need to feel something else. I don't want to feel this type of pain… physical pain is easier to deal with… I needed to get my mind off of Tawni and Chad… I walked in to my room straight to my underwear drawer, finding me true best friend…

_My razor_

I sat at the end of my bed, holding it in my mouth while I pulled up my sleeve. It had even more cuts on it then last time.

I pulled it out of my mouth, pressing my fingers on each side, bringing it to my arm. I watched as I slowly pulled it across my skin, the blood liquid gushing downwards. It stung, but it slowly went away a just felt numb. I did it once more again, deeper though. "Mm" I muffled biting my lip and closing my eyes.

Images flashed in my head. They were of what Tawni and Chad's date would look like. A really nice place, fancy… but isn't everything they do and own._ Nice and fancy_. They were sitting across from each other; Tawni has a light pink dress on, with matching boots, her hair in a nice half-pony tail.

I dug in deep when I saw her smile on his face as he touched her hand, pulling it along my skin once more.

"Oh, Chad! I'm having such a good time tonight!" I said trying to copy Tawni's voice.

I opened my eyes looking at my arm; blood was rushing to my fingerprints and dripping on the floor.

"Yeah, I know I like you so much more then Sonny!" I said trying to do a male voice.

I looked up to see the mirror across the room; I saw my refection, my stupid refection.

"Well, we all know it's because Sonny is _fat_, Chad. No one **likes**_ fat girls_."

"Fat girls should die!"

I walked over to my mirror, talking in my normal voice, "You are stupid Sonny! No one loves you!" I looked myself in the eye, only standing a few feet away from my refection. "Your fat!" tears started streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't stand looking at myself! I huge! I'm ugly! Who would love me! Not Chad! Not Tawni! **_I hate me!_** I want me to die! I yelled at my mirror before chucking my razor at it, only making a small crack in the middle. "I hate you Alison Munroe!" I balled my hand into a fist, bringing it back and smashing is against the glass, making an ever bigger crack. I started doing this with both of my hands, watching as I punched my mirror where I wanted to much myself.

**"YOU STUPID FAT WHORE!**" I punched it hard and it fell backwards. My hands had blood all over them, where I cut was still bleeding badly too. I covered my eyes with hands, falling on my knees in the pool of glass. "You're such a whore Sonny…" I whispered to myself over and over. I grabbed a piece of the mirror glass, pressing on my clothed thigh with it, dragging it over the tights and my skin to make a 'F' in my skin, putting the next letters until it spelled **"F-A-T P-I-G**" throwing the glass on the floor.

I couldn't see anymore, my tears were fogging up my vision.

I feel back on my side, feeling dizzy and not being able to move. No I wasn't going to die… I could tell that I wasn't going to… I wanted to so bad… but it won't be like this forever… hopefully.

I passed out there, waking up 2 hours later. My bleeding hasn't stopped yet. But it will… I just have to clean up this fucking mess.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, I know it's short, but I couldn't think that straight, I've been awake sense Wednesday the 29th… ha-ha… And no joke, I like can't sleep its crazy! I'm gonna try and fall asleep again, and if I can't I'll start the beginning to the last chapter of this story.(: How'd you guys like this btw? I was fast I know, but I can't really think straight xD so I'm sorry if it's all messed up? Please review and tell me what you thought! I love you guys!**

**REVIEW and I'll update faster… and just a reminder if you entered my contest it ends on the 9th!**

**Love, love.**

**Firlady101~**


	3. Chapter 3 I am free

**Reminder: This isn't a happy story.**

**2 years later.**

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><p>I stood in the middle of Tawni and Chad's new house. Yeah, that's right, they moved in with each other. It bothered me every day. Every fucking day I hear Tawni going on and on about how amazing Chad was, about how great he was, how he was a good cook for her, and of course how wonderfully<em> mind-blowing<em> he was in bed. It made me sick. I honestly don't know how I am still living. I don't want to be. I wish I was Chad, I wish I was Tawni… I just want one of them…

I was at their house for Tawni's 25th birthday party. I'm not going to lie, I was having fun, and the most I've had in months. I was laughing, I was dancing, and I was drinking. That might be why I'm having as much fun as I am. It's pretty sweet. I was dancing with Tawni at the moment, she was drunker then I am. But she always was, she would "drink to get drunk." She always says that, ever since the first time we went partying together.

Our hips moved across each other going with the rhythm of the music. She was laughing and smiling, making me smile. She was beautiful. "Oh, Sonny… I love you!"

"I love you too Tawni."

"You haven't been like this in forever!"

"Like what?"

"Like… um… like yourself!" She slurred over the music.

"Well… I'm sorry?" I didn't know that to say. I know I wasn't the same… I sometimes think I'm crazy… I'm a 24 year old woman, who is in love with her two best friends, never dates, has an awful sex life, cuts, and has an eating disorder.

"it's fine… I feel sick." She mumbled, as a slow song started to play.

"Mind if I cut in?" Chad poked my back.

_Yes._ "N-no."

"Chad, baby… I think I'm going to skip that… I need to sit down... dance with Sonny." Tawni ran away, heading to their bedroom.

"We don't have to dance." I smiled at him.

"Not, I want to, it's fine." He put his hands where they were meant to go.

"So how's Tawni?" I asked him, I didn't know what to say at that moment.

"Oh, my god, Sonny it's great." He smiled.

"Good."

"Yeah… and I think I might do it."

I laughed, what was talking about? He sounded like a little kid talking about sex, "Do what?"

"You know… The big question."

"Wha-" I stopped myself, he was going to ask her to marry him. _Shit_. "When?"

"After this song." This song was almost over. Fuck. I felt all of the feelings of happiness fly away, I flipped fast, how was I going to handle this, I've been barely dealing with the fact that Tawni and Chad are even together. "Oh-uh… that's awesome Chad."

"yes, I know this." He spun me for the last minute of the song. We sawed back and forth for a second; he pulled me close, and kissed the top of my head before he ran off. I hugged my arms around me, my body felt so cold, and my heart was racing so fucking fast I could hear it. What was I gonna do?

_'do it_.' A voice said to me.

Umm do what? I asked as I saw Chad running up on the stage grabbing the mice from another man.

_'You know…_ it…_'_ It said.

"Excuse me every one! I would like Tawni Hart to please be up hear." I couldn't be here right now… I turned around, running to the big front door, pushing people out of my way, running to my car, I just could not see that.

I was in my room 15 minutes later, pacing back and forth what was I going to do!

'_I told you_…' The voice said to me.

"Do what?"

_'Think about it Sonny, your lonely, you're a looser, no one loves you because you are fat.'_

"I know…"

'_So do you think they would really care why you are gone?'_

"No…"

'Then jump out of your window, you do live on the 10th story…'

"That's not enough."

_'Well you have to do something… Chad is never going to like a fat girl like you, Tawni will never love you because she a girl. She probably thinks liking girls is something ugly people do._'

"That's not true!" But it was right… I shouldn't be living, who would miss me?

_'Sonny… listen to me… just do it! No one loves you!_'

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><p>I was balling my eyes out, I was going to do, and I had a plan… I wanted to die… I needed to die! I found a whole bunch of pills in my mom's old bathroom from when she used to live here. I didn't know what they were but I didn't care, they were going to kill me. I was going to die. And when I die no one will remember me from So Random! They would remember me as, "That fat girl from that one TV show with the girl Chad Dylan Cooper is marrying."<p>

I turned the water all the way in the bathtub, letting it rise to the top; I sat watching it, watching the water rise by the second. I looked over at the pills next to me, I counted them all there was 12 of them, 3 different colors; red, white, and green.

I wrote a small letter… to the people I loved… explaining why I was doing this…

I took the greens ones first. Than white, and leaving my favorite color last, red. I stepped into the water with my dress still on from earlier. The water felt nice. But it wasn't nice. I was about to die. The realization just went over me, I will be dead soon. I can't back out anymore… but who ever said I wanted to? No one will miss me… maybe my fans, which I love… I do… but I don't think that they would want me to live with so much pain! No one wants to live when they feel like they are already dead.

I felt dizzy… very dizzy… I felt sick… I felt weak… I needed this to go faster, I needed it to! I don't want to live another second! I picked up a fresh razor off the side of the tub from where I placed it only a couple minutes a go… I took and carved into my skin, deep… deeper than I have ever gone before… I sliced it across fast, blood gushing out of the new wound. I smiled, I don't know why… It might have been the thought that I was going to die any second now… I liked that thought….

My vision was blurry now…. I couldn't see… and it's not because I was crying, which I wasn't… I think the pills might me taking effect. I pushed the blade deep in to my skin once more, but I couldn't feel anything when I cut across. I was numb… My body was numb… I couldn't feel my toes… I couldn't feel my hands... or my anything…. I felt as if my scars where even gone… that they never happened…. I couldn't feel the burning and stinging my scars usually felt like…. I could feel nothing.

Nothing but the emotion of happiness.

I was happy I was going to die…. That I would go somewhere where I could be with Chad every day…. Or Tawni… I could be with both of them… but they wouldn't be married… I would just be with them… be with my best friends… whenever I wanted… I could make up the life I wanted… to feel skinny… to feel loved.

I could feel that I was slipping… I was falling…. I was falling out of my bathtub, out of the room…. Out of my mind, my worries, my fears… I was finally falling…. Drifting away from everything.

_I was finally free._

**A/N: Okay… my first suicide story! :D I put my heart and emotion in to this story… It was easy for me to write… But if you didn't like it… go head and tell me… because it won't stop me from writing :P **

**And with the 'voice.' It's just Sonny in the back of her mind... but it's still scary... like so super scary...**

**And I might update one last time…but idk…. I was going to post what Sonny's suicide letter said…(: I might if I get some reviews :D Lol, but yes please do review! I love you!**

**And thanks to:**  
><strong> Man-Suz-She… I'm sorry that our collaboration didn't work out L but I hope you take the ideas and, make it into a great story!<strong>

**Crazybab3**

**Lisa**

**303**

**LexiTaylor**

**Whateva867- Lol, dude thank you for making me laugh! xD**

**TracyCook- I feel so happy whenever I get a review from you! You are one of my favorite writers on … and I have told you this(: You are like, the inspiration for me starting to write Tonny ficts… and I've told you that too! And you are fun to talk too!(:**

**Your guys' reviews are nice! I love you(:**

**Love, love.**

**Firelady101~**


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